Dear Jean:
My parents get mad at me a lot. Not like abusive mad, just
they say that they are mad at me. They have never influenced violence, nor acted upon it. Just they make me feel bad, and they take all of their aggresions out on me. I am a strait A student, and never even go out. So why are they so mad at me?????

- Confused

Jean responds:

What a great question you ask! There are far too many kids in your shoes--good kids, whose parents seem to vent their anger on. I can't imagine why your parents are mad at you so much, but if you are a straight A student and aren't making trouble, then rest assured that you are NOT the cause of their anger. As you say, they are "taking all of their aggressions out on you," but YOU DO NOT CAUSE THEM to do that.

I have to say that I used to yell at my kids during their
adolescence, too. I am not proud of it. I was frustrated in other areas of my life, and they were "easy targets." Two things helped me to stop: a) My daughter one day just leaned against the doorway and said, "It really hurts when you yell at me like that." For the first time, I think, she let me know so powerfully how it felt, and I was totally ashamed of myself. b) I got some counseling, to discover why I was "going off" on my kids, what the real sources of my anger were, and as I discovered these, I was gradually able to control my feelings and not dump them on my kids.

Fortunately, I stopped my behavior in time to assist my kids to develop into healthy adults, but I have apologized to them many times over the years for my unjust anger, and I know it did them harm, and this makes me sad.

Maybe telling your parents how much it hurts for them to be so angry all the time with you--maybe even letting them read this letter--will help a little. It would be great if they would consult a counselor to find out why they have so much anger, and who are the real sources of their anger. But if they're not up for that, perhaps YOU could consult a counselor (at your school or at a local clinic--many serve adolescents age 14 or older without parental permission at least for a few sessions). It
might help to find out how to manage your parents, so that your own self-esteem doesn't end up in the dust.

Your parents can change, with help.

God bless you, I hope this helps a little...

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

top of page