Dear Jean:

I guess this is a little different than most of the letters you recieve because I am the child..not the parent. I'm 16 years old and have been at boarding school for the past year. In the past, I have had some problems with an eating disorder and anxiety. These are part of the reasons that I have chosen to put myself at a boarding school. However, this year has been good for me in many ways. My main conflict now is dealing with going home to a family that I don't know and understand and vice versa. My dad and I have gone through a lot of problems over the past year; some have invovled social services. We "butt heads" and we almost always end up in a confrontation. I haven't given my parents reasons not to trust me. I think that the absence of my pre-teen years (due to my previous problems) hasn't allowed them to learn how to grow up with me. I am the oldest, and although I have a 15 yr. old sister, they still haven't learned to deal with me.

I don't think my parents understand that I have to earn more privileges. This is really important to me especially since most of my friends from boarding school live at least an hour from me. My parents won't drive me the distance, so my friends have offered. I feel as though this privilege of driving with other teens isn't unresonable. In 4 months I will be driving myself. I am willing to work with my parents to make it possible, but I can't begin to work towards anything because they shut me down before we talk.

I've always been a very mature, outstanding student and relying on my friends helps to get me through. I would really like to see them a lot this summer. I just need some tips on how to work with my parents without ending up in a huge confrontation with my father. I won't lie to my parents like my sister does. Even though that route seems to get her the most freedom. Please help me with some ideas on how to work with my parents.
sincerely,
a distressed teen

Jean responds:

Hi, Distressed Teen,
Thanks for visiting parentingadolescents.com and for your question.

I totally get it about your wanting to visit boarding school friends this summer.

To people your age, it is very important to maintain contacts with peers. When you go through adolescence, you begin to withdraw some from family and move closer to peers and other adults outside the family. This is natural and necessary, as very soon you will be leaving home and need to learn who you are in relation to other people, especially peers.

I am sorry that your parents are unable/unwilling to drive you to your
friends' houses. Given this limitation, it does not seem unreasonable to me to allow you to
ride with friends, although your parents may need some reassurances about who the
friends are, with respect to the safety of their driving. Perhaps if you can ask your parents to read this letter, they may be able to discuss with you what kind of assurance
about your friends would help them to feel more comfortable with allowing you to ride
with them.

I do think kids your age need increasing freedom to run their own lives, with clear limits and consequences for stepping over the line, as well. There is a great deal of material already posted at the web site, in the Archived Q&A's, that relates to independence, peers, privileges, and limits. You may want to find and print out some of them, by typing in these words in the Search box at the site. Then you maybe could share those as well with your parents.

I hear that you are trying to live an honest life, and I admire you for that. I also admire you for getting through your earlier anxiety and eating disorders.

Hope this helps a little...feel free to write back.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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