Hi There:

I have a 14 year old daughter who is a good athlete. Over the years she has participated in Competitive Swimming, Soccer (Select or Class I Level), and Waterpolo as major sports, and dabbled in Catholic Elementary school Basketball and Volleyball.

She has always been very good, and one of the best players. As a swimmer, she obtained National Top 16 Rankings at 8, 10, and 12. All of a sudden, at 13 she decided that she was not any good, and quit swimming.

Ok, fine, I said, and continued to take her to her other sports.

Right now she is a high school freshman, and doing HS Waterpolo (practices every day). She is also on a club soccer team that practices 2 times a week. She is experiencing fatigue and sore legs, and her performance in both sports is not what she feels capable of, or making her happy.

She blames everything on ME, and every comment I make is wrong, or an attack on her. I am at my wit's end. I don't care if she does ONE SPORT or THREE SPORTS which she is planning to do this year... (Waterpolo, Soccer, Swim Team). What should I do. I try to just support her by driving her around and bringing snacks or sandwiches. She double practices on Tuesday and Thursday. Her soccer coach treats her like gold, and the Varsity Water Polo coach cannot wait to get her on Varsity next year.

I think she is fatigued and will grow into her goals. The only thing I DON'T want is for her to do NOTHING. Help!

Jean responds:

Hi,

Thanks for visiting at www.parentingadolescents.com, and for sending in a question.

I can hear the concern and frustration in your letter. It is not atypical at all for 13- and 14-year-olds to blame their parents for everything--especially this is true of 13- and 14-year-old girls, with their mothers. She is hurting, physically and psychologically, can't discern the causes, and you've always been there in the past, "Super Mom," ready to make things better. Before she hit adolescence, she was able to use your support, and really take in and consider your advice, helpful hints, etc. Now, she's motivated to put some distance between you and her--and it hurts. It hurts HER, but she HAS to do it--it's a developmental mandate--and it hurts you. But try to remember this: although it hurts, it's necessary, and it's not harming her--or you.

Regarding her athletic activities: there is much in the news these days regarding the dangers of overinvolvement in athletics at early ages. As your daughter's body changes, the impact of the physical activity no doubt changes as well. I remember that at about this age both of my daughters came up with Osgood-Schlotter's, a disorder of the kneecap. Why not have her checked out with your pediatrician or with a good sports doctor?

There is, however, also in your letter the beginning of a kind of low-level panic, as you witness your daughter's beginning to make her own decisions about the direction in which she wants to take her life, her relationship to sports. "The only thing I DON'T want is for her to do NOTHING. Help!" But, you see, in order to convince herself, as they must at this age, that she is "her own person," the more she will pick up on precisely what you DON'T want and maybe have to do that, in order to prove to herself that what she does is for her, and not for you. You can't help your feelings, in this regard, but you can let her know that, even though the only thing you don't want is for her to completely give up all athletic activity, that she may well decide that that is the best course for her, and that you would never withdraw your love or respect for her for doing what she thinks is best, even if you disagreed with it. She must be convinced that her athletic activity, along with her other gifts, are HERS, to do with as SHE wishes.

It's very painful sometimes to see your kid turn away from things that have been so constructive, so meaningful to them, when they were kids. Yet, we have to face it--as parents, we get involved in these things, feel proud of our kids for doing them, and get our own investment all mixed up with the kid's own motivation. At adolescence, they pick up on that like a dog picks up the scent of a squirrel, and they'll chase it to ground. The only remedy I know is to admit where you are about it, and to let her know that she is in charge of her own life in this regard, and that you will continue to love and support her, whatever she decides to do--or not do.

Good luck! Feel free to write back.

Jean.

PS: Check our Online Bookstore for an excellent book by a "sports mother" and PhD in early childhood ed--go to the Bookstore and click on "athletics and kids." The book is called "Raising Winners" and I found it excellent.

This mother writes back:

Thank you so much for your reply.

My daughter is 14 1/2 now. She definitely seems to be making her own way, and I noticed that she seemed to be going against whatever she thought "I" wanted last year when she was 13. She has settled down a little, and she is pursuing her own goals. I happen to be happy with them, but wonder if she has taken on too much. I decided to let her decide, and to support her physically and emotionally as best I could.

I am going to try to NOT show what I think is the way
to go based on your letter. It certainly worked last
year when she was 13! I kind of came to that conclusion last year. Thank you so much for your reply.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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