Dear Jean:
I started going out with my boyfriend a little over a month ago, and in the beginning it was great, and of course we were all over each other. Now we are still all over each other, but I don't feel that spark for him anymore. When I am away from him, I wish to be with him, but when I do get with him I sort of wish I could leave. I'm so confused because if I were to break up with him, I would be totally sad. I do not get why I have been feeling so different about him lately. When he wants to kiss me, I don't feel like kissing, and I think he is catching on to this now, because he asks me what's wrong. Ahh what do I do?, because he is very much into me, and likes me a lot so I don't wanna break my heart, or his. I don't think the right thing to do is break up with him, but what is my other option? Please let me know!
-Confused teenager!

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

Someone said there are two objectives in life: to get what you want -- and to want what you get. And the reason there's a saying about it is because it is so common for many of us, once we have what we've wanted, to wonder if it's really what we DO want after all. As you say, it doesn't feel like the right thing to break up, yet that's where you're headed, of course, if you can't get some of the feeling back.

Here's my suggestion: take a look at WHAT ELSE is happening in your relationship to this boy....e.g.,
how honest are you with each other (about anything and everything, not just the current crisis)?
how comfortable can you be with him--this is related to the honesty issue;
how respectful are you being with each other?
what haven't you said to him, that needs saying (other than about your feeling waning)?

For esteem and intimacy to continue to grow, they need soil in which they can put down roots. Without the root system, the "flowers" will all fade and die and not grow again. The "soil" is the honesty, respect, and comfortableness that you develop with each other. These feed the lovely flowers of desire and pleasure.

If he is not a boy with whom you CAN develop these roots, then you will need to give up, and mourn the loss of the relationship. But don't conclude that that's so without looking at yourself, first: how honest, vulnerable, respectful can you be with anyone? If you sense that the obstacle may be inside you, talk to a counselor and find out what makes you tick in the department of closeness, before you become an adult and make a big mistake in marrying someone with whom you ultimately will "fall out of love," instead of being able to "stand" in love with them.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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