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Dear Jean: Jean responds: Hi, It certainly sounds as if your daughter is needing to send a message to the world that she can't be hurt, while also telling you that, in private, she can feel very hurt. The rough dress and gruff ways may be in the service of convincing herself and others that she is not really as vulnerable as she fears and feels herself to be. Because they are useful to disguise the vulnerability, it is unlikely that they will yield to pressure from you. They serve a purpose. Hopefully your daughter will at some point be able to experience her own vulnerability without so much fear that she will "fold" if she ever "cries" in front of others--and I don't mean only literally crying, but showing that she is soft inside. At this time, she doesn't seem able to do so. I think I'd suggest you try just to listen to her, rather than make suggestions or criticisms. Tell her how proud you are of her, how much you love her--you don't have to lie and say you admire what you don't, but be genuinely praising of things you are proud of about her; it sounds as if there are many. Tell her you love it when she tries to tell you what is going on with her, and that you're trying to be a better listener all the time. You are working on (a) making her stronger, by helping her to feel good about herself, and (b) making it safe, with you, for her to reveal her vulnerable inner self. Hope this helps a little. Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
cannot
cry in front of people. Only by herself. She has stated this
a few times. It wouldn't bother me, except that she has become
quite gruff and wears accessories which, though fashionable,
are quite rough. She also seems to put up a strong, rough front.
I dislike it and want her to realize that grace and elegance
are also a virtue. She is a very well read and disciplined person,
so I find it difficult to critize her. The new trend worries
me. I also realize that anything I say she absolutely says/does
the opposite.