Parenting Adolescents Archives

My son is twelve, tall for his age and has physically gone through puberty. He was born without his lower right arm.

He is sporty and belongs to an Aikido club and plays cricket in the summer. I am a recent lone parent. We live with my mother.

The problem is his appalling attitude: he can be rude, shouts at the top of his voice, doesn't do anything he is asked, even down to his personal cleanliness--it's war if I ask him to bathe. If he is asked to do a small task, he can delay for an hour, or until I really run out of patience and find I am in an argument, again.

At school he started off well, starting to make friends and was happy to be there. Now he is alone because of a fall out, and he was physically attacked. He told me he had to use his Aikido techniques to stop a boy thumping him. I know this happens at school; I was there once.

He is in control with his relationship with his fathe; if he wants to spend all Sunday watching the Simpsons, it's allowed. His father's advice was to let him have a day all to himself. I may be wrong, but I didn't think this was helpful.

I realise that his body may have overtaken his head. I need to know the right way to encourage him to be happier and more confident. I also realise three generations in one house is not ideal, but we have more than most. He can be loving and happy, but these occasions are getting fewer. He is not a silly boy; he gets merits at school and seems to enjoy his lessons. He also knows his behaviour is not acceptable and is causing a lot of upset.

Am I right in thinking this has more to do with his self esteem than anything else, or do all boys do this? Hope you can lead me out of the woods.
Thank you.

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for visiting and sending a question to ParentingAdolescents.com.

Well, maybe we can find our way out of the woods together....

Early adolescence is the hardest time for many kids and their parents. You are right in noting that your son's body is changing rapidly and along with it, his hormones and his brain. So there's a lot going on inside, as there is with any boy this age. But add the physical difference from other boys (it doesn't sound like it's a disability--born with this, it sounds as if he's adapted brilliantly), being new at school, and as you describe it the fairly recent loss of his father as part of the home, and you have the makings for some kind of conflagration. It's more than just self esteem.

Be glad if much of the display of turmoil inside is confined to his 'attitude.' In our polling of parents of adolescents over the years, 'attitude' comes out as the top issue time and again. It could be quite helpful to you, I think, to read the many articles already posted at the web site on attitude--here's a link to one of them--and you can also search on attitude in the Archives to bring up other Q&As focused on that topic. There is no doubt more, for your son, going on in his hostile attitude than with many teens--again, because of the multiplicity of issues. Minor displays of hostility and oppositionality may be one way he expresses his anger at the changes in his life that are difficult for him to manage.

We often underestimate, perhaps out of our own guilt, the impact on adolescents of moving. Because we often cannot help having to move, we want it not to be that hard on the kids, and we sometimes try to argue them into seeing the benefits of the move. Ditto for the separation from his father. I have a client who insists that her daughter is actually better off for the divorce, which in some ways she is--but it blinds the mother to listening to the child's very real pain about that divorce, even if in some practical way her daughter is 'better off.'

It sounds to me as if your son has a great many strengths, and after a difficult period of adjustment, my guess is he's going to come out on top of things. What you can do is:

give him some space--try not to comment on every single instance of his attitude, failure to comply immediately with a requested task, and don't approach him so much; let him come to you more often. Be a little more removed.
at the same time, listen to him without evaluation, suggestions, reprimands, etc.--just listen to him, when he's talking to you, and try to reflect back to him in your own words what you hear him saying, e.g., "You had to use your Aikido to defend yourself today at school, and that made you feel mad and afraid. I can understand that."
try not to be defensive when he complains about the move, the new school, not having dad around; he has the resources to cope with these things, but he gets to complain about them.
read Q&As at the site about chores and consequences (Archives--see topic menu)
who knows if you or his father are 'right' about allowing him to slack off at dad's house. I wouldn't sweat that too much; just let him know what does and doesn't go when at your house. His dad allowing him to watch tv all day may not be optimal, but it is not causing his difficulties.

You are not the only one trying to find your way through these woods--your son is trying to find his way also and is, as you note, aware that some of his behavior is unacceptable (and probably feels baffled as to why in fact he does what he does). My sense is that you'll both find your way, if you can adopt a calm, thoughtful stance toward him as he strikes out at the sticks and brambles in his path.

Hope this has helped move that process along. Don't forget to read more in the Archives; it will help you.

Jean.
Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.