|
Dear Jean: I know an 18-year-old guy who
has been secretly I would like to understand why this guy would be visiting such sites. He is 5'9", but he has said he feels small. (When he danced he was 140 lbs.) He still hopes to grow taller by at least an inch. His dad is 6'2" but has thin, small bones. I know this guy felt weak in his arms (arm strength is important for male dancers - they have to lift girls). I know he was teased by other male dancers for his arm strength. However, this guy hated to work out so he did not improve his arm strength. This guy is not confident. He is a perfectionist and a procrastinator. So why would anyone want to be chubbie? Getting fat wouldn't make you stronger - developing muscles would. Would getting fat help this guy feel bigger? I don't think this guy is gay. I think he would like to have a girlfriend but he never has. He can be kind of nerdy and self-centered and immature so he is not popular socially. He doesn't have close friends, but he had people he could talk to at dance. Maybe this guy is afraid of getting fat, now that he's not dancing? But then you would think he would visit sites that help you maintain or lose weight. Can you understand why this guy is doing this? Can you recommend any resources on this issue? Thanks. Jean responds: Hi, I surely cannot venture an opinion on this able young man's decision to quit dancing and begin to put on weight--or at least visit web sites that recommend this (which I must admit I've never heard of--I tried a brief search on +males +"gain weight" and was successful in calling up only sites that want males to put on muscle mass, rather than weight as fat). The way you phrase your inquiry makes me think that you wonder if he is still too attached to his parents in some way, perhaps has not adequately found his own identity yet. Or maybe he just wants to be celebrated, instead of feeling that he failed at becoming a ballet dancer--you indicate that he may even blame himself for the failure because he didn't work to strengthen his arms. To be celebrated, even if for something the guy himself doesn't really admire, may feel awfully good after experiencing himself as failing. Of course these are possibilities, but without knowing much more, it's not profitable to guess about what role such factors might play in this young man's behavior. Regarding whether he is gay: the fact that he has not yet had a girl friend is certainly not any evidence that he is or isn't gay. If this person wants to understand himself better, there is every chance he could learn to do so if he engaged in treatment with someone experienced with older adolescents. You can give him this email, if you like, or tell him about the page at our site that discusses seeking help: About Getting Help. He could also consult our Clinician Directory to find a treatment professional, or he could write to me for a referral. Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
visiting Internet sites that encourage boys/guys to gain
weight and get fat. The weight gains and new fat bodies are celebrated.
This guy is thin and fit - he recently quit ballet training and
his desire to dance professionally (he had a great body for ballet).
His parents did discover this when they saw he had been using
their computer to visit such sites/clubs and confronted him out
of worry. (He lives in an apartment near his parents' house.)
This guy is highly intelligent and usually very honest, but he
told his parents that he was never on such sites and that computers
sometimes do funny things. (Not very believable.)