Dear Jean:

I am very confused, I am not sure writing you would really help. But I will give it a shot.

I am 21 years old, and I have a younger brother who's only 13. I am an immigrant, and my parents work hard for a living. I just graduated from
college. I have had to deal with a lot of family problems since I was a young kid. I was able to put it off and move on with life. However, my brother is
pinning all the blame [for his own situation] on the family, including me, and now he's getting into
some troubles.

A few years back, he feigned sick a lot. He's only 13 now, but because my parents were busy working, and I was busy studying, we didn't pay too much attention to him. We always thought that he'd grew up okay just like I did. But he's causing a lot of difficulties for the whole family. A few days ago, he stole. And the worst thing is that even when the police were questioning him, he was still very protective of his friends. He didn't turn them in, instead he lied and said he stole all 3 Nintendo games when in fact he only stole one.

When he gets mad, he's really out of control. He kicked my mom's car, for instance. And he yelled, "I hate you, I hate dad, I hate my sis." He's scapegoating us. He thinks that we are the evil ones. He's making up lies, he tells people that my parents beat him, which is not true at all. Yesterday, I looked at his homework, and realized that his world is so dark, so pessimistic.

My parents really love him, and maybe that's why he got spoiled. We tried our best to give him things that he wants even though we are not rich at all. But I saw a poem that he wrote, "I asked for an
Integra, my mom said no, I asked for a Civic, my mom said no, but when I asked if I can go away, she said yes." How sad? His view is all distorted!!

I am very upset and stressed over my brother. And to be honest, I am upset because I think he's also ruining my life. I am taking care of him now, and
can't start working. (Even though I worked the last 5 months, but I just quit in order to keep an eye on him). But seriously, I want my life back. On the
other hand, I realize how important it is for me to help him.

We were thinking about boarding school, but know it's really expensive, and I don't think it's easy to get in either, and we have no idea how to get
him to agree on this as we have to get his permission to take the test, etc. What should we do?

Pls help!!thanks a million!
Best,

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for visiting ParentingAdolescents.com and for sending in a question.

It is completely unfair for you to have to take care of your younger brother. From your description, it sounds as if he may be depressed; irritability and getting into trouble can be indicators of depression, and his "black" outlook on life also fits. I STRONGLY suggest you find a professional counselor to talk to. Preferably, the entire family should go, but if your brother or your parents won't, then go yourself! Talk with someone who can help you to understand what your brother's behavior may mean and what kind of help he needs. Talking the situation over with a
professional in a confidential setting may ease your mind and also help you to assist your parents in getting this boy into some kind of treatment.

Call your local family services agency, explain your situation, and ask what they can do for you. (You are also free to consult the Directory of
Clinicians at the web site, or write to me for referral to a private practitioner if there's nobody in your community listed in the Directory .)

Hope this helps a little. Feel free to write back.

Older brother writes back:

Hi Jean,

Thanks a lot for your reply! Really appreciated you took the time to reply to my email.

I actually talked to his school counselor, and now my brother has a counselor who talks to him once a week. We are also thinking of getting him a psychiatrist as well.

I was talking to a friend yesterday, and he suggested that we send him to a camp; he said there are camps out there that train kids to be more independent, and kids need to obey and otherwise get punished really hard. However, I don't know much about those camps. Do you have any suggestions? Do you think it's a good idea to send him to those camps? I mean, he might hate us more for sending him to those camps. (My friend argued that since he hated us already, it won't make a difference anyway.) What do you think?

Thanks again for your reply. I look forward to hearing from you again!
best,

Jean responds:

Hi,

Your friend is probably referring to "boot camps," which I believe don't work and which have recently been discredited by many professionals. Big punishments for kids during adolescence usually make things much much worse. I certainly don't recommend any such thing for any teen, but especially not for one like your brother, who needs mental health help, not "a kick in the pants."

Thanks for your words of appreciation. I am relieved to know your brother is getting help.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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